TTC & Pregnancy

Imagine this: you're in the bathroom brushing your teeth with your daughter and she turns to you and says: "mommy you have a baby in your tummy and his name is Theodore." And all I can do is blankly stare at her and say "noooooooo." and she just laughs and smiles and says yes. We carry on with our morning and we drop her off at school. I cannot help but think about what my daughter had said but I dismissed it because we weren't even trying. The next morning I'm still thinking of the comment my daughter had made and I head to CVS to buy a pregnancy test but I wasn't going to take it. I was only two days late and I wanted to wait another week. My husband and I get back home and I can't help but go pee on a stick. I needed to know. Barely even three minutes in it comes back positive. At this point, my husband doesn't know what I'm doing because I told him I was going to wait. I come downstairs hysterically crying. You would have thought I had just received news that someone close to me had died. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak. My husband was trying to figure out what the hell was going on and then once he did he started crying. If you didn't know us you would think getting pregnant was the worst thing that could happen to us. I was still in denial and went back upstairs to pee on the digital version and the word PREGNANT popped up as clear as day. My heart and soul were so full of joy and fear all at the same time.

Eight months prior, I had a miscarriage and it devastated my world. We were so ready but time was not. I had been told by a doctor that I couldn't have any more kids after Jordan, so getting pregnant, then to have a miscarriage made it even more discouraging. After that, I had become full of anger and disgust with my body. I lost my faith and was angry with God. I mean very angry. People tried to justify it by saying "God was showing you that you are able to get pregnant." Miscarriage is a cruel way to show me was usually my response. I became obsessed with trying to get pregnant. It was a very dark time for me and I felt like no one could understand because they were not in my body. They didn't go through it, I did. At some point, I gave up trying to conceive because quite frankly it was ruining my marriage. I was very sad and although I wanted to be happy for others who were pregnant, it just hurt.

Months later we went back to our home church and it just so happened that our Pastor took one of those extended moments for worship and reflection and asked if anyone needed prayer and healing to come to the altar. I never go to the altar. I always feel like people could use it more than I could. But something pulled me over and I was down on my knees crying my eyes out and praying. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder that turned into a much-needed hug, which only made me cry even more. She asked if I wanted to talk about it and usually, I wouldn't but before I could shake my head no, I blurted it out: "I had a miscarriage." and she pulled me in and prayed with me and cried with me and that's when I could feel myself beginning to heal.

I worked on my faith again. I worked on my marriage again. I followed mothers who were pregnant on Instagram again, and I was crying much less than before. My husband and I still agreed we weren't ready to try again. It was still too much for me.

Then a few months later led to that moment in the bathroom with my daughter and me crying as if someone close to me had just died.

But I am 14 weeks pregnant & healthy and I am so full. Just full of love and joy and peace and happiness. This pregnancy has been everything I've been praying for. My daughter is more excited than anyone and it just melts my heart because she is going to be such an amazing big sister.

The beginning wasn't easy. Every day I was checking for blood and holding my breath. I stressed while trying to be stress-free. But each week it gets a little easier. I'm still afraid. It's hard not to be. But I am full of excitement and I can breathe again.

It took me 10 months to write this blog post and every time I wrote it, I cried. A lot of women who have had miscarriages suffer silently and they suffer alone. I was one of them. I didn't begin to cope with it until I came across Kenya (halfietruths) Raymer and her story. We all have stories and I think it's so important to share them because they may help someone else or sharing your own story may help yourself. 

I chose the rainbow mama sweatshirt and the rainbow baby onesie after seeing it on Kenya's page. It was designed by @ihadamiscarriage and you can buy it here. A rainbow baby is a baby that comes after a miscarriage. I wanted these items to remind me of what I went through and of the blessings I have now. I want to raise awareness of women who have had a miscarriage because it can be a scary and lonely experience. It helped me to see others who were going through the same thing.

So this is why I've been M.I.A. But I am back and I have so much content I want to share and yes there will be more pregnancy posts.

Love & Light,

Jalesa