Even When it Hurts Like Hell
Excuse my rawness, but that's just exactly how I feel, raw. For the last week, or a little over a week now, I have not been my best self. I've been snapping at my loved ones, feeling alone, and just drained physically and mentally. I had just officially said my goodbyes to my coworkers who I have gotten quite close with for the last two years to make the full transition of being a stay at home mom. I think it was also starting to sink in that I had moved away from my childhood home to a city where I had no friends and family was close but not close enough. The pressure came on to where I felt like I had to be the perfect mom now that I was always home. Let's be real, no one is perfect but I damn sure was trying to achieve perfection. That's now out the window. I just try to aim to be my best self and give that to my daughter and to my other half as much as I can and when I can't, I apologize because we all have our bad days. Johnathan had officially started his new job and the new job pressures were being brought home and in a mix of chaos instead of being partners, we were at each other's throats. It was just so much newness happening at one time, we didn't really know how to absorb it and instead we rejected it. On top of that, I was two weeks late on my period, and we were praying I was pregnant because we're ready to expand our family, and I took pregnancy test after pregnancy test in hopes of a positive but all we saw were negatives. I thought that maybe there was some sort of error because when I was pregnant with Jordan, they all came back negative as well. Nope, mother nature decides to show up saying "bitch I didn't forget about you!"Also when you think you're a part of a community that is your home to worship God together and a place of happiness, everyone begins to leave, and "clicks" are formed, and sincerity doesn't even really seem sincere. It's like you don't even exist. You're just a "name tag Christian" and you're no longer doing God's work that you set out for. It's heartbreaking. It hurts like hell. And when it hurts like hell, it is so easy to forget to give thanks to God and what He has blessed and provided for you and your family. I'm reminded that I will praise Him even when it hurts like hell. He has a plan for me and I know that my dark days will soon be gone and my sunshine will come back to shine once again, because it can't rain forever.
"Even when the fight seems lost
I'll praise You
Even when it hurts like hell
I'll praise You
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I'll sing Your praise"
-Hillsong United : Even When it Hurts